U.S. to Al Qaeda -- We Give Up!

That's right. Even though I have no authority to do so, I am hereby surrendering the U.S. to al-Qaeda.

I mean, that's what Osama wants us to do, right? That's why he keeps sending his minions out to strike at us. That's why there were these terror attacks in London, right?

(Okay, at this point, we don't know for sure who did it, but given the similarities to other al-Qaeda attacks, I'm not really willing to bet against that)

They keep on striking at us because we're such big bullies and we're messing with the Middle East. Therefore, we should just pull all of our troops out Iraq so it can collapse into anarchic chaos and so extremist imams can set up a ruthless theocracy. We'll call it Taliban West.

I'm sure that's what some of the pundits out there are going to say in light of what happened in London. We should stop provoking the radical Muslim terrorists and try to play nice with them. Get out of Iraq. Leave Afghanistan alone. Stop hunting for Osama. Then we'll all be able to skip off into the sunset together.

I think that's a great idea.

No, I really do! Let's do just that. Let's give the terrorists exactly what they want. We'll get out of Iraq. That should stop all the attacks, right?

Well, no, I suppose not. After all, we're still the Great Satan, partially because we support Israel. So I guess to get them to stop the attacks, we'll have to go back on our word to our allies in the region and break a lot of different treaties and have them fend for themselves. Then they'll like us, right?

I'm guessing the answer will still be no. They'd still consider us the Great Satan since we tend to project our culture throughout the world. We export our movies, our TV shows, our fashions, and oddly enough, people around the world adopt them and imitate us. That's part of the reason why the terrorists don't like us: they think we're corrupting their daughters and a bad influence on their sons. So we'll have to cut everyone off. No more American movies. No more Simpsons re-runs. No more foreign factories making jeans. Then we'll finally have peace, right?

Well ..... maybe not. After all, we'd still be a pretty tolerant country. We'd still allow people to be different heretical religions, to say whatever they want, no matter how blasphemous it is. Our women would still be able to show a scandalous amount of skin. Our churches would still be separate from the state. And to them, that just won't do. The only way they'll be happy and put away their bombs is if everyone in the world believes and dresses and speaks and acts just like them. And until that happens, they're going to want to attack people.

So that's it. If we want to see the violence end, we have to surrender the United States completely. Terrorists, come and get it. We'll let you set up a theocratic Muslim government however you see fit. Women, report to your local town halls so you can get your burqas. The rest of us religious types will have to learn Arabic and get our own copies of the Quran.

And yes, I was being sarcastic. Live with it.